Schrodinger's Cat has always interested me. My interest in physics is mostly on the philosophical implications of theoretical physics. It describes a state in which a cat in a box can be both living and dead. For example a radioactive particle is placed in the box. A geiger counter hooked up to release a flask of poison if it detects the radioactive substance. If the box is closed after a while, at least quantumly that cat is both alive and dead, at least until observed.
I believe it was J.J. Abrams of lost fame who said he had a box of magic that he bought in Tannens (the magic shop I frequent). The thing is it is sealed in a box and the contents are unknown. He bought the box years ago but refuses to open it. In opening it, it will cease to be what it could have been.
It was one of those days. I had to wake up early to bring my dad to the hospital to get a Colonoscopy because there was concern for there being something wrong. Thank God, everything is okay. In driving him he tells me for the first time that my uncle has Parkinsons. He goes on to tell me in how bad a shape he is in.
My parents are driving out to see my sister this weekend because she is giving birth to my niece.
One of my best friends that I haven't seen in a while is having his mother come home from the hospital for Hospice. She is basically being sent home to die in comfortable surroundings.
These are just a few of the people who are included in the number of people I know and my friends know that have recently passed. What is going on? All these things going on also makes me reflect on my life and see where I am coming up short. What kind of person I am. What kind of friend I am. What kind of family member I am. I have lived in my bubble of an existence thinking everything revolves around my perspective of the universe. In some ways I feel like I lie to myself and others. I am hiding behind some kind of facade. A lie I tell myself to make everything work. I know I know, I may be a little over dramatic. I guess on one level there is no measure to how much we do and don't do in our relationships and such but I feel that I could give more.
What scares me the most is it is something intangible. There is no way to accurately define what is correct. We will make mistakes somewhere. Is that enough though?
I built up a huge social network. Is that a detached way of saying friends. But in the large number of friends I have, how do I maintain it? Do I make a difference? I guess it's not just me judging by the number of friends people have on facebook. I mean compared to some people I am really lacking. If I passed tomorrow, would anyone care. If someone I love and know passed away would I have said everything I needed to tell them. And if I didn't tell them, would they know? And if they knew, would it make a difference. How many people really make a difference in our lives. Do we have the power to make a difference in other peoples lives as well? Would it matter?
All my failed relationships, romantic or otherwise, have to be definitely a large part on me to blame. Maybe I am going overboard in some situations but on what level do I prevent anything else from affecting me. What if it was my last day on earth? Knowing that would I be able to change even then?
Maybe difficulty is part of the path. Maybe heartache and pain are par for the course. Without going into too much detail of how my sister and her husband came together, their wedding song was:
I guess we are in some kind of Schrodingers Cat limbo. We are on borrowed time not knowing if it is our last day here on earth. If it is the last day of someone we know. If it is our last opportunity to tell someone we love them. We can never really know.
What scares me even more then everything I said above... What rocks me to the core of my being is if the biggest mistake of all...
Is not even trying...
Thank you for all my friends and family in whatever capacity you are in my life...
I love you all...
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